The Dark Interior
by wave1347
Summary: Jake has trouble reconciling his growing connection to the Na'vi and the forest with the fact that he is in reality more isolated than ever - a crippled human controlling a remote body who can never really be Na'vi, but is no longer satisfied being human.


It was the middle of the night in the remote lab. In the Hallelujah Mountains, night was darker than it was in the forest, where the plants that literally glowed with life.

Jake Sully was seated in front of his link unit, dressed in only boxers and a tshirt. The monitors and pivoting screens of the lab glowed softly, pale green and white, throwing an unhealthy, thin light to the room.

He rubbed his face, recalling his earlier video log. Everything was backwards now. When he had first begun to use his Avatar, it was like some amazing dream – a dream where he was strong again. Whole. But no matter how much he enjoyed it, he knew it for what it was – it was only a visit, sustained by millions – maybe billions – of dollars in technology and research. At first, it was only a pleasant dream.

But now... after spending so much time as a Na'vi, after spending so much time with the Omaticaya instead of his own people – now this body was the dream. A cold, gray nightmare. Now when he pulled himself into the link unit in the morning, he felt gratitude that he could escape. And every night, he pushed off sleep as long as possible, dreading the return to his human life.

He knew he was teetering on the edge of something – some deep black pit, and he knew he was the one excavating the thing. All that kept him going now was the thought of returning to Neytiri in the morning, returning to the forest. But he knew time was running out on that. The bulldozers, Quaritch, Selfridge – still a month away, but still coming on.

"Jake."

He closed his eyes briefly then wheeled himself around enough to look behind. It was Grace, disheveled by sleep, squinting even against the dim glow of the instruments.

"Sorry, Grace," Jake said, turning back around. "I didn't think you'd hear me."

"Creaky floor," Grace muttered, automatically patting the pockets of her thin sleeping pants, but finding no cigarettes.

"What the hell are you doing up so late? Don't you sleep anymore?"

"I slept," he said, trusting the dark to hide his lie.

"Not enough."

"I spend all day lying in a box or sitting in a chair, doc."

"Yeah, and you might feel great when you're in the Avatar, but you keep this kind of thing up and you're going to come back to a body that doesn't work."

Jake thumped a fist against the side of his thigh, twice, three times. "Doesn't work so great now."

"Yeah. Sorry." Hearing the apology is awkward for them both.

"No problem, Doc." He idly rocked the wheels of his chair back and forth. He wanted Grace to go away. He couldn't think when she was watching him. She would somehow know every desperate thought fluttering behind his eyes.

"Look Jake, I know how you feel," she finally said.

"I bet."

"I do. You think you can love it out there any more than I do? I've been here for ten years."

"How do you do it?" Jake asked, suddenly hoarse. He wheeled around to face her. He hadn't meant to ask the question at all. "How do you come back to – this?" He waved a vague hand at the room, the tiny little box that closed them off from experiencing Pandora as themselves.

"Practice," Grace said. "Professional distance. I don't know. It isn't easy. I went through what you're going through."

"What am I going through?"

"The early stages of depression, for one. Malnutrition. Lack of sleep."

Jake shrugged his shoulders. They were thin. He'd lost a good deal of muscle tone.

"I'm not telling you that you shouldn't feel like you do, Jake," Grace said. "I think it's possible that you're falling for Pandora even harder than I did. Of course, you have a little extra help." She grinned wryly, and Jake couldn't help but smile a little too. "You're living two completely different lives right now – I don't think any human in history has had to literally be two people at once. I know it's hard, but you're going to break if you keep this up."

_Good_, he had been about to say for some reason, but the queer feeling in his chest warned him not to try, not in front of Grace. He quickly wheeled back around to face his link unit, where the light wouldn't betray his too-bright eyes.

Grace's clothes rustled as she stepped closer and put her hands on his shoulders. "Go to bed, Jake," was all she said, and then left him to his privacy.

In the dark, Jake thought about Neytiri, about Hometree and The People. He thought about the forest, and the amazing bond the Na'vi had with it, which this body could never really experience.

A hundred miles away from the Omaticaya, his own humanity was like a metal box itself, isolating him. At the same time, his second life with The People was slowly isolating him from humanity.

Jake didn't go to sleep for a long time.


End file.
